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In the words of Brokeback Mountain: why, oh why, can’t I quit you, Purple Doritos?
My love affair with this perfectly balanced snack began a few years ago, after the previously adored Cool Ranch Doritos were dethroned for this spicy-sweet tastebud experience.
Nutritious? Fuck no.
Delicious? Fuck yes.
Nearing almost exactly 2 months of self-isolation and work from home orders, I realized that my undying affection for these crunchy cravens had reached somewhat of a fever pitch. I’m not sure whether it was the 64 pack of mini-sized bags that I purchased on Amazon (which were already close to gone), or the fact that my tongue was numb from artificially flavored seasoning, but either way, I knew it was official: Purple Doritos are the best snack food of all time.
What can I say about these chips that hasn’t already been said about Penicillin, sliced bread, or the wheel?
Have they literally revolutionized and saved my life? Yes.
Have they done my taxes? Yes.
Do I require 1 bag per day minimum to stop withdrawal symptoms? Also yes.
Have I used far too many questions in this article? Fuck off, you’re not my English teacher.
Anyways, any person who dislikes these chips, in my humble opinion, is likely a sociopath, and should be held for further questioning. I just can’t trust anyone to be in my life who doesn’t acknowledge the power of Purple Doritos as I do. My ex-husband was a nice man and all, but the divorce lawyer totally understood where I was coming from when I clarified what “irreconcilable differences” meant.
“Ah yes, he thought Nacho Cheese was the best, didn’t he?” he said with a sigh. And, no matter how many times I admonished him for such shameful behavior, ultimately I couldn’t live with such a seriously damaged man. At least my settlement will buy me the next few Subscribe & Save orders.
Oh Purple Doritos, thank you for comforting me in my times of need. Thank you for helping me to remember that 2,000 calories per day equates to merely 7.69 mini-sized bags of you. Thank you for all you do, and more.
And anyone who disagrees with me, will be hearing from my people.
